Hi guys! Ron here on a beautiful fall morning at Laguna mountain. We’re here at the lodge. My wife and I came up here just to follow the colors. Something we absolutely love to do. We’ve spent time over the years chasing the colors in Europe and particularly up in the northeast. We spent a season living in Philadelphia and would go up in the Poconos and then to the Rockies and now San Diego. The only thing we miss is the lack of the colors. But here we found them and we love them here this time of year, late October up on Laguna mountain.
Hi! Ron here from beautiful Palm Desert, California. I’m out here staying at a friend’s home in a beautiful location, and I’ve had some great meetings this week with a group called CONVENE, which is an outstanding organization that services Christian business leaders around the world. I’m getting ready to go to a wonderful time with my daughter at Stagecoach, a country music festival which follows Coachella. Molly sings in a group called the Sam Outlaw Band. She’s the female vocalist and Sam’s the lead guy vocalist and they’ve just finished a tour of Europe. They’re going to have a great time singing here. In fact, Carrie Underwood is singing later tonight and I’m looking forward to hearing her as well.
Hi friends! It’s a beautiful Saturday morning in late May, in the beautiful city of Florence, Italy. I’m sitting here at a little outdoor restaurant for a few moments. You’ll see over my head this beautiful dome. This is the tower that’s part of the Duomo in the center, the heart of Florence. And as I’m sitting here, I’m about to say you know Florence is a beautiful City and it was really the heart, In fact this area I’m in right now is really the heart and beginning of the Renaissance.
If you had just one word for this year that could change your life what would it be?
Take a minute and think about this. Watch the video and then write down that one word that you would like to most reflect your life this year. So far, we’ve had words like happy, bold, courageous, kind, engaged, hopeful, listening, disciplined, intentional to name just a few.
My friends from around the world are joining me in this adventure. I invite you to join us. Here’s what you need to do.
- Identify the word and write it down.
- Go to my Facebook Fan Page and “like” it. Then join our discussion there around the One Word feed.
- Keep an eye for updates on my blog and Facebook page where we’ll share together insights on how to maximize internalizing and utilizing our One Word this year in such a way that it DOES CHANGE OUR LIFE.
The journey begins.
Do you have anyone in your life who drives you nuts? Maybe it is a child, a spouse, a friend, a co-worker or a vendor. Well, if you are like most people you do have one or more people like that in your life. I want you to get a picture of that person’s face in your mind as we begin this blog because I want you to think about how you apply these principles of conflict resolution to your relationship.
These principles have worked wherever I’ve taught them in dozens of countries around the world. So, think about how you can put them to work and see broken or damaged relationships become whole! Also, use these principles to keep your personal and professional relationships and teams healthy, productive and enjoyable.
And, I know that your personal and professional success will be greatly determined by your ability to master and help others master these principles
George Bernard Shaw said it well, “In the right key one can say anything. In the wrong key, nothing; the only delicate part is the establishment of the key.”
In other words, if you are out of sort with people and living with unresolved conflicts you simply can’t maximize your productivity, profitability and success. You must be in the right key of harmonious and unifying relationships.
In this blog (part 1 of 4) I want to begin to coach you on 12 steps to resolving conflict. First, let me give you the 12 steps in summary form and then I’ll unpack them start now and in my next two blogs. 12 Steps to Resolving Conflict
- Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.
- Address your anger appropriately.
- Seek understanding, not victory.
- Assume the best.
- Learn to share your feelings appropriately.
- Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
- Speak the truth respectfully.
- Attack the problem, not the person. Don’t use “You” statements; use “I” statements.
- Deal with specific areas, not generalizations.
- Seek and grant forgiveness.
- Deal with conflict personally. Go to that person. Don’t reprimand anyone in front of others.
- Be gentle. People are fragile.
Now, that you have an overview of the principles, let me give you a little more practical application of these.
1. Learn to embrace and resolve conflict. How was conflict handled in your life growing up? Did your family deal with it in a healthy way or didn’t they? It’s important to think about this because most of us tend to respond to conflict the way our families did, or we overreact and go to the other extreme.
The tendency is for us to react by “Fight” or “Flight.” We can get abusive on the one hand or run away, deny and hide on the other. Both of these processes are unhealthy and never resolve conflict.
Remember, the goal is to embrace conflict and resolve it. So, what do you do? You commit to resolve conflict routinely. You embrace it the way one fighter embraces another who is beating him to a pulp. You try to get your arms around the conflict, evaluate it, not wasting emotional energy but letting your energy be used for positive problem solving.
The next 11 principles will tell you how to do this.
2. Address your anger appropriately. Learn how to handle anger. First, realize that anger is not bad. It isn’t. In fact, anger is an emotion built within you in order to help you deal with impending danger the right way.
Let me illustrate. You are driving on the freeway and a car pulls right in front of you. What do you do? Well, you may be tempted to do all sorts of juvenile things. I sure get tempted to. But, hopefully, I let the anger I’m feeling lead me to step on the brakes, swerve and avert a fatal accident. You see, anger is a tool to help you.
So, anger isn’t bad. A response of flight or fight, however, is NOT the right way to respond. Instead, admit your anger and ask yourself what is causing it. Again, don’t waste your emotions by moping or screaming or being resentful. Instead, let all the emotional energy go toward completing the next 10 steps.
3. Seek understanding, not victory. Learn to listen! That’s a killer for most of us. But, you’ll never be a pro at resolving conflict unless you let go of trying to always win and focus on truly understanding. So, keep your mouth shut and ask questions.
If you are feeling hurt by someone due to what they may have said or done, don’t attack the person but ask questions to determine what was said and why it was said. Again, don’t get in an attack mode.
Instead, try to understand the other person’s perspective.
Remember, your goal is to get and stay in the right key of unity.
So, take a minute now to review the 12 steps summarized above and rate how well you do. And, this week focus daily on these first three steps.
And, let me know how you are doing and how I can help you process these as we work our way through them.
What are you think about right now? What did you think about today? This week? Routinely?
I want you to learn to think deeply about life, your future, what you value, who is important in your life and the kind of impact you are having personally and professionally.
Take 30 minutes just to think about these things today. Take some notes. Come away with at least one insight about yourself, your life and/or your future.
Tell me what you learn.